{"id":9830,"date":"2025-08-21T13:42:40","date_gmt":"2025-08-21T13:42:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/?page_id=9830"},"modified":"2025-08-28T15:29:04","modified_gmt":"2025-08-28T15:29:04","slug":"lambton-worm","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/lambton-worm\/","title":{"rendered":"lambton worm"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

[FOLKLORE FILES]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Case ID:<\/strong> FF-003
Subject:<\/strong> The Witch \/ Lambton Worm Pact<\/em>
Status:<\/strong> DECLASSIFIED \u2013 <\/strong>
Origin:<\/strong> Northern Folklore Repository, Dept. of Mythic Affairs<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT RECOVERED DECLASSIFIED<\/strong>
Interviewer:<\/strong> \u201c\u201dINT\u201d]\u201d
Subject:<\/strong> Lambton Worm\u201c \u201cLW.\u201d\u201d [Currently residing in Legends Retirement Home<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The woodchip wallpaper was a sea of braille, nicotined in a sepia hue of broken dreams.
If I ran my hand over the bumpy mass, I reckon it would read me a story of heroes and villains in the time of enchantment and magic\u2026
I sank into a deep red armchair and opened my brand new notebook like a white accordion of swans\u2019 wings.
I feel I am in the presence of Ozymandius, weighed by legacy, weighed by mythology, weighed by Doritos and Pineapple Spritzers.
I curiously pointed out a packet of Persil soap powder balanced precariously on top of the wall-mounted Plasma TV.
He replied nonchalantly, \u201cI couldn\u2019t find the Ariel. Its a 1970s gag for his old friends who rarely drop in\u2026
I laughed weakly.
The atmosphere dropped to minus zero.
A rather intrusive gramophone needle was stuck on the middle bit of Beethoven\u2019s Moonlight Sonata; it had been like that for 15 years.
I was ready\u2014ready to record a unique interview with the Lambton Worm. Here resides a legend layered in cotton blankets and
misunderstandings\u2014a twisted tale that needs straightening out.
I hold no bias or judgment towards this wounded worm, only a deepening curiosity to find the facts from the folklore.

INT<\/strong>: Can you tell me the story in your own words, a tale that has been cemented in myth?
LW<\/strong>: \u201cI\u2019ll tell you an aawful story\u201d \u2013 not sure if there\u2019s cement involved \u2013 there\u2019s been a lot of songs written \u2013 to which I haven\u2019t received a penny in royalties, I may add.
INT:<\/strong> We would like to hear it from the horses \u2013 pardon me \u2013 the worm\u2019s mouth.
LW: <\/strong>John was a canny lad. We have known each other since we were kids. We were like two peas in a pod and liked the same type of music, such as Lute Grime, and we drank copious amounts of Mead, basically we got up to all sorts of hijinks, including knockie-nine doors. But the castles were too far apart, it took up most of the day, running from Castle to Castle and some of them had moats. Then one day, he went in a huff about something I can\u2019t remember, and angrily pushed me down the Village Well.
I think we might have argued about the 4:4 timing of a madrigal; my memory is hazy.
Then he went off to join a band called The Crusaders, a four-piece influenced by Nazareth.

INT:<\/strong> Erm\u2026 I think you might be a bit confused about Nazareth.
LW: <\/strong>Whatever. And after several years, he returned, a changed man, coz touring does that to you \u2013 at that time I had grown canny big coz of the chemicals in the well. I was massive. The locals were feeding me loads of cows and sheep. I tried to join Weight Watchers, but I couldn\u2019t fit into the church. Then I caught Covid AD19, my sneezes destroyed most of the village \u2013 it wasn\u2019t my fault, I had big nostrils.
INT: <\/strong>According to legend, you terrorised the local community in Lord Lambton\u2019s absence.
LW:<\/strong> When they ran out of cows and sheep to feed me well, I may have been slightly ravenous to say the least, I mean a worm cannot live on berries alone. But hey, I was no Jabberwocky.

INT:<\/strong> So when he returned, he hunted you down?
LW:<\/strong> Well, sort of. We disagreed about the timing of another madrigal, and he went and cut me in two\u2014us worms are urodele
amphibians, you know\u2014that\u2019s how my cousin Leonard came about: \u201cIf you cut me in two, another is born.\u201d That\u2019s a Worm truism right there, because we can regenerate. Most of my extended family came about by genetic severance. Leonard and Ulysses are my other two halves, so to speak.
INT:<\/strong> That is so interesting, are they still alive?
LW: <\/strong>On the other side of town \u2013 mind Leonard is very difficult and Ulysses is a bit of a scatterbrain, you know like the novel?
INT:<\/strong> Can\u2019t say I\u2019ve read it. You wouldn\u2019t mind if I interviewed them for their side of the story?
LW: <\/strong>Knock yourself out.
The Worm suddenly dropped into a trance, shook his head and\u2026

LW:<\/strong> Where was I? Oh yes\u2026 We had a bit of a skirmish\u2014big deal\u2014but he had to get a witch involved, didn\u2019t he? I tried one ages ago when I was radgey, but I\u2019m allergic to frogs.
INT:<\/strong> A Witch, you say?
LW: <\/strong>Exactly, through WitchApp, so before he cut me up like a Bavarian sausage, the Witch told him he had to kill the first living thing he met as a sacrifice, because she gave him special armour and a very, very sharp sword. They both agreed that Fred, their pet tortoise, would be the sacrifice, but to be frank, not Fred \u2013 they hadn\u2019t thought it through coz that would have taken the tortoise 10 years and it would have only reached the garden gate.
Excited at hearing of my supposed demise, his Dad ran to meet him, overtaking Fred, forgetting about the pact with the witch.
Thenceforth, a curse befell the family coz Lambton bottled out and didn\u2019t slug his Dad. I heard a family member has recently broken their fingernail, so I\u2019ll probably get the blame.
He points over to the bookcase, which was rammed with multi-coloured folders \u2013
LW: <\/strong>The Curse Cases, I use them for the fire.
He shuffles in his armchair. Eyes drooping. Yawns with a mouth the size of the window.
LW: <\/strong>I\u2019m afraid you\u2019ll have to leave now Sonny. It\u2019s time for my afternoon nap.
I pack up my Zoom recorder and ask him one last question:
INT:<\/strong> I heard Lord Lambton is also here, in the Care Home.
LW:<\/strong> Aye, next door \u2013 he keeps me up all hours.
INT:<\/strong> Pray tell me\u2026What does he do?
LW: <\/strong>He sews\u2026 Relentlessly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Case ID:<\/strong> FF-003
Subject:<\/strong> The Witch, the Worm, and the Caravan Park<\/strong>
Extracted from field recording. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT \u2013 PARTIALLY RECOVERED<\/strong>
Interviewer:<\/strong> \u201c(INT\u201d) Subject:<\/strong> \u201c(W)\u201d [Unlicensed Witch,
currently operating \u201cHexhaven Caravan Park & Launderette\u201d]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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INT:<\/strong> Thanks for agreeing to speak to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Speak quickly. I\u2019ve got three elf underpants on a boil-wash and the machine\u2019s making a sound like a dying goat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> I\u2026 thought elves were tiny?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Only when humans look at them. They\u2019re quantum tenants. Too big for the caravans, too stubborn for the rules. Anyway, what do you want?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> I\u2019m here to clarify a few things about the Lambton Worm legend<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Legend?<\/em> That little shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> So\u2026 you didn\u2019t get along?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> He owes me. Big time. I put a curse<\/strong> on him, and I like to think it\u2019s still accruing interest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> Interest?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Compensation claims, parking fines, mysteriously exploding garden sheds \u2014 that kind of thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> Right. Worm told me you\u2026 lent Lord Lambton magical armour and a very sharp sword?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Lent?! Lent<\/em> implies trust. We had a binding pact<\/strong> \u2014 a gentleman\u2019s agreement: he gets the gear, I get the soul of the first living thing he sees after killing the Worm. Classic stuff. You can\u2019t run a cauldron business without minions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> And he\u2026 didn\u2019t deliver?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Oh, he \u201cdelivered\u201d all right. You know what he sacrificed?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> No?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> A bloody tortoise.<\/strong> Said it \u201ccounted.\u201d Then he went home for soup like nothing happened. You can\u2019t summon a tortoise into eternal servitude! It\u2019s union rules!
[FILE NOTE: cross-check wildlife records \u2014 no giant tortoises known in Durham region, 13th century]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> I\u2019m not sure there were unions back then or tortosies
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W:<\/strong> There were. We just called them covens.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> So, the pact was broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Completely. Never trust a Lord. They drink in the Parliament bar, strut around in their shiny boots, and stab you in the back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> I\u2019m\u2026 not sure Parliament existed back then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Whatever. Bourgeois parasites all smell the same across time.
(<\/em>[REDACTED FRAGMENT]<\/code>)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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W:<\/strong>\u201cThe executive of the modern State is but a committee for managing the common affairs of the whole bourgeoisie.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> I\u2026 didn\u2019t realise witches were Marxists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> You haven\u2019t a clue. We\u2019ve been the oppressed working class<\/strong> for centuries. Bad harvest? Burn her. Sheep missing? Burn her. Stub your toe on a rock? Burn her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> That must\u2019ve been traumatic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Meh. You get used to it. Anyway, now I run a caravan park for oversized elves<\/strong>. Beats being kindling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> Sounds\u2026 peaceful?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Peaceful?! I had to evict a brownie for running a cryptocurrency scam out of caravan four. There\u2019s a portal in caravan six that eats towels. And the elves have unionised again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INT:<\/strong> Right. So\u2026 just to summarise:
You gave Lord Lambton magical armour and a sword, he killed the Worm by slicing it into three pieces, but failed to fulfil his side of the bargain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

W:<\/strong> Pretty much. Absolute nightmare client. One star. Wouldn\u2019t pact again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[FOLKLORE FILES] Case ID: FF-003Subject: The Witch \/ Lambton Worm PactStatus: DECLASSIFIED \u2013 Origin: Northern Folklore Repository, Dept. of Mythic Affairs INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT RECOVERED DECLASSIFIEDInterviewer: \u201c\u201dINT\u201d]\u201dSubject: Lambton Worm\u201c \u201cLW.\u201d\u201d [Currently residing in Legends Retirement Home The woodchip wallpaper was a sea of braille, nicotined in a sepia hue of broken dreams.If I ran my hand […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-9830","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/9830","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9830"}],"version-history":[{"count":61,"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/9830\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10003,"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/9830\/revisions\/10003"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mcdada.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9830"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}